What I Learned About Setting Boundaries
Understanding Yourself
To set effective boundaries, you need to understand yourself and what your needs are. You DO NOT have to know every single detail about yourself before you start. We are always changing and growing. What matters is taking the time to reflect. Ask yourself questions such as: How do I feel around these people? Do I feel drained, energized, or overwhelmed? Do I really want to go to this event?
Learning to identify your emotions will help you understand your needs better. Looking inward makes this process easier.
Boundaries Are Bridges, Not Walls
Many people view boundaries as punishments or ways to push others away. However, boundaries are essential when something isn’t working for us. The goal isn’t to sever relationships. Instead, they are bids for connection. Think of boundaries as bridges between your heart and someone else’s. They help guide the relationship in a positive direction rather than destroy it.
You're Not Being "Mean"
It’s common for people to be labeled as “mean” or “selfish” when they set boundaries. This can hurt and feel personal, but it’s important to remember that boundaries aren’t mean. They can be uncomfortable. Sometimes, it’s tough to hear these things, but they are meant to enhance the relationship and promote connection. If you’re afraid to set boundaries because you don’t want to upset anyone, remember that your fear shouldn’t keep you stuck in resentment or misery. Confronting someone will always feel uncomfortable, but it’s about learning to tolerate that discomfort for the sake of your well-being.
Seeds of Resentment
People-pleasers often avoid difficult conversations. I used to do this too, telling myself, “Is it really worth it?” or “They won’t understand.” But every time you avoid these conversations, you plant seeds of resentment. You say you’re letting it go, but really, you’re just putting it on a pile of unresolved feelings. This resentment can build up, leading to frustration and irritability. Meanwhile, the other person may be completely unaware of your feelings. We often expect others to “get the hint,” but many have no idea that something is bothering you. Therefore, if you’re unable to let something go, acknowledge the resentment. Have the conversation.
Boundaries Are for You, Not to Change Others
There’s a common misconception about boundaries. They are not meant to change someone’s behavior. For example, if you set a boundary that someone keeps crossing, it’s easy to feel angry. You might have told them multiple times that if they continue this behavior, you’ll need to distance yourself. However, simply setting the boundary is not enough. It’s about what you do if those boundaries aren’t respected. Meaning - what will I do if my boundaries are not respected. You cannot force someone to change their behaviors. You can only control your own.
Discomfort Doesn’t Mean You’re Wrong
Feeling guilty after doing something for your own well-being doesn’t mean you did something wrong. Often, that guilt comes from a part of you that has learned to accommodate others to survive. It feels like you’re going against your instincts. Remind yourself that you are safe and you can tolerate uncomfortable things!
Setting Appropriate Boundaries
It’s important to choose your words carefully. Avoid using ultimatums or threats. For example, instead of saying, “Stop doing X,” try, “I want to have a conversation, but if X happens, I will need to pause and revisit this when we’re both calm.” A lot of people have misused the term ‘boundaries’. We’ve confused them with terms such as ‘expectations’ or ‘rules’ or ‘guidelines’. While all sounding similar, they can be / are different.
Consistency is Key
Maintaining boundaries can be challenging, especially with people you care about. When someone doesn’t respect your boundary, it’s easy to feel the urge to give in. Setting the boundary is just one part of the journey; maintaining it is what leads to lasting change. Remember, maintaining boundaries is about taking care of yourself.